The Reading Eagle wants to build you a mobile app, except it doesn't know what a mobile app is, or what a mobile app does, or nothing

Here is Adam Richter, the Reading Eagle's social-media guru, pontificating with maximum clarity and insight the insurmountable problems the morning newspaper faces to create a cutting-edge app you can use on your smartphone or iPad:

We're working on one...but...news apps are sputtering...and would you promise to use one if we made one, because, dammit, creating an app is a whole lot of work and we have better things to do, like trolling Facebook comments to block readers.

It's not like every competitor from WFMZ to the Morning Call to the Merc down in Pottstown to the Upper Meatball Township Post-Gazette already has an app up and purring.

Questions...questions...Richter has questions —and not just how can the Eagle install a paywall on your smartphone:

  • How often do you read news on your phone?
  • Do you scour news apps more than porn?
  • What kind of stories do you read? Breaking news? Weather? Two-day-old wire features? Hatza's "Missing Movies"?
  • Do the apps you already have crash your phone?
  • Would you mind terribly if we blocked police news?

Yeah, they're working on an app, all right. in truth, this is all just blowing smoke, with the smoke emanating directly from Harry Deitz's ass. That's because at a recent staff meeting, one of the young, eager reporters queried the honchos about when an app will be developed.

The answer from the brain trust: "Apps are on the way out. Nobody uses them anymore."

Dutch and Jayne and why, sometimes, short people have all the luck

Mickey Rooney always had eyes for the ladies (eight marriages, six divorces, one wedding to a lady he knew less than two weeks)...but I also can remember, back in the '90s, when the little big man was an original Tea Partier, vowing to make a run for the White House because TAXES!! (Anybody know of any links, because the pint-sized provocateur I do recall, was quite steamed as he made the TV talk show rounds.)

Now that he is finished police chiefing, Mark Kessler will take care of your child's education

The North Schuylkill School District needed a new mascot, a redesigned Spartan to spread school spirit and cheer throughout the community. The Standard-Speaker reported on the feller's introduction:

The mascot's first public appearance was at the March 19 school board meeting and he was well-received by everyone. Two days later, the Spartan visited the elementary school to participate in the Fitness Friday weekly exercise activity for the students in kindergarten to second grade.

The children lined up in the hallways near their classrooms to move around and move to the music, beginning with shouting "Go, Spartans, go!" The Spartan mascot went from hallway to hallway, greeting each student individually with high fives.

Principal Neall R. Jones watched as the children were having fun with the activity.

"We've been doing this for well over 10 years," Jones said of Fitness Friday. "The Spartan is unveiled today for the students. They're very excited. It's a great way to promote Spartan Pride."

Perhaps not everyone. Gilberton's defrocked blowhard cop Mark Kessler (he is not now, nor ever again will be, chief) is a member of the North Schuylkill School Board. You can guess what happened next. The Facebooks got an earful:

Whether or not "Sparty" cost $6,500 is Kessler's word only —the district's projected deficit for 2013-14 actually was $1.2 million, so arithmetic— but it should make for some lively political theater as Kessler tries to peddle his cable TV pilot. He also is bitching on FB about some kid whom he claims was suspended for writing a work of fiction that may have really been an attack on "a co worker of theirs or them their self," but we won't get into that because we can only take so much bullshit in one day, even if it is April 1.